Absdul,s Mother and not feeling accepted
The girls not at home as much.
The girls were not coming home as much and i felt upset about this. instead they would either stay at the school or spend their weekends with Miryem. i was upset that Miryem did not ask me if i wanted the girls at home at all on weekends. i would have felt better if she consulted me as their mother on plans for the weekends. i know i had told her i wanted them to possibly come to her house on weekends because i was worried about Absdul,s violence but i had hoped she would consult with me about where the girls would go for weekends, and when if they did go to her house i could plan to come over and be with them. i felt she was going over me in a way, and not respecting me as a mother and i did not like it. i would call and ask where the girls were and she would tell me that they were with her and then tell me when she would drop them by to visit me. it just felt like she was undermining me as a parent in some way. i may be wrong, but this is what i felt at the time. The girls did come over one weekend but they had to go very quickly as Miryem called us and told them to come immediately because they were going to the aunt,s house. i felt my own authority as a mother was not being respected as i was not being involved in plans for my daughters. Looking back on this i wish that i would have stood up to Miryem and set firm boundaries and had explained to her that we needed to talk every two weeks about what the girls would do for weekends. But at the time i felt so disempowered by my husbands constant battering and abuse. i felt completely broken with such low sense of self that i felt i could not stand up to no one. Abuse can make a person become helpless and lose what sense of empowerment as a person they do have. Miryem and her mother could be somewhat controlling and push to get what ever they wanted. i clearly remember telling them not to bring charity clothes to my children because it could make my husband angry and it was not safe for us. But Miryem did not listen and continued to bring charity clothes even though i told her not to. i have learned that when one does not respect when another person sets boundaries that this is a bad sign in a relationship whether in family relationships or friendships. i had an experience a long time ago when my children and i were riding on a bus. People often liked to touch my children and talk to them when ever we went for bus rides. A man was touching my babies head and talking with her. i told him politely to stop as i was uncomfortable with this. He told me he was sorry and he understood. i felt very respected and it was a very different feeling then i had known . People seemed to walk all over my boundaries in the past and i did not feel that there were people in the world who would respect me. But this man did respect me even if it was a small act . i allways remember it and it has meant allot to me and taught me that i could be respected and have my boundaries as a person respected. it taught me that there were people in the world who could be respectful and not dominating. So when i had told Miryem not to bring charity clothes and she continued to do so i knew this was not a good sign and it was un healthy, even if it was cultural. i felt very disempowered. This is not how i wanted to be. i had allways valued independent women who valued family and old fashioned values, yet still had independent spirits and wanted to make a difference in the world by loving their family, and also to create careers for themselves and do important work.
Life settling down.
Islam funeral service and dreams.
Every day i would go and visit Burgu. Not long after Suleyman,s death the family buried him. In the islamic religion a white shroud is wrapped around the body and that person is put into the grave with only the white covering and no box or casket. i did not go to the funeral services. i was not even sure if women were allowed to go to the funeral service that Burgu would have for her husband. They had called me one morning and i came as quickly as i could get to their house. When i came they were all walking down the stairs quickly to go to the gravesite. i came into the house and Burgu was by herself and glad that i arrived. She said they were going to the funeral service. it was very quiet in her home and we prayed and talked for awhile. We had snacks together and drank nescafe. i had hoped to attend the funeral service, but was not invited so i did not go. i think Burgu was realizing the sad reality that her husband had died and was slowly able to face it. She told me she had a dream that Suleyman and her were together again, but that he was in heaven and that she saw him in the dream. She said he was in heaven and he was a young man again. She seemed very happy that she had the dream. She smiled as she talked about it. We both hoped that he was in paradise , and relieved from his pain. She said maybe he was in heaven now and that the dream was a sign. i hoped it was. in islam dreams can have great significance. People are often told too pray for a dream to come if they have important decisions to make. There is a prayer one can say before sleeping in order to have dreams to get answers to problems and find solutions' through dreams. Many Muslims believe that answers can be found in dreams and Gods will can be shown in dreams as to which path a person should take when one is uncertain.
i thought it was so interesting that dreams could have meaning in the islamic religion. i had at times had very spiritual dreams in my life that meant allot to me and i felt that the dreams were showing me important spiritual insights. i also had dreams about people at times in my life and some of the dreams have come true to my amazement. There are books in Islam that have interpretations for the meanings of dreams. Dreams also must be interpreted by an imam , a spiritual prayer leader who specializes in dreams. It is thought that we cant know necessarily the exact meaning of our dreams without some guidance. i was happy that Burgu had such a peaceful dream of her husband being younger and in paradise. it seemed to comfort her.
Burgu,s Family
As time went on visitors did not come as much to visit Burgu after her husband died. i would come over every day to see how she was doing. Family was still there. we would talk and eat candy together. Burgu,s grandaughters were a joy to be around and it was nice to feel a part of their family. The grandaughters would laugh and joke around together. They stayed in Burguis bedroom while they were there. Burgıs daughter was also a very sweet women. She had a god sense of humur and even through that time of traged y she would make funny jokes and we would laught together even with some of the communication problems because of the language. We would sit together and eat together in Burguis living room on the floor with a large table cloth like blanket. i enjoyed those times when i was with Burgüs, family. They all had a warmth about them and thy were easy to be around and made me feel comfortable and accepted. The girls were at the islamic school most of the time so they were not around when Burguis husband passed away so they were not with us. They often stayed at the school for two weeks at a time without coming home and then they started stay with Miryem on some weekends.
The meaning of true communication.
continued to visit Burgu every day since Suleyman had died. One day Burgu kept looking out the front door of her house looking for her husband to come around dinner time. We walked back and fourth through her house so she could get some exercise. She looked through the small hole in her door where she could see who was at her door. She said she could not believe Suleyman would not be coming. She had for so many years expected him to come home at the same hour at dinner time. She began to cry. i felt so sad for her and thought of the deep grief and pain she was going through. We walked back to the couch and tears were coming, but she tried to wipe them away. i tried to tell her in the best turkish i knew that it was good to cry and release her pain and feelings. Crying was healing i told her and healthy. i told her that i was there for her, and i was there to listen and she could cry with me if she wanted too. it was painful to me to see how alone she seemed to feel even though she had many friends who came to visit. i sensed she may have been alone in her grief as it seemed people did not talk much about their feelings even within her family. i did not know if they had real communication. True communication is a gift and few people i feel have the ability to truly communicate honestly with one another. That has been my experience in life is that this gift is difficult to find among people in the world in many different cultures and societies. its seems that appearance seems to be what's most important and people wear masks so we do not know what is real and true anymore. i find people often thing its wrong to express any feeling that is too strong, too sad or too real and deep. This seems to happen across many different cultures. i just felt that within ,Burgu was very alone. i could have been wrong, but it was my feeling about her. The family seemed separated from each other in a way that probably many families were. True communication is often not expressed and so many people are alone even if they are among people.
in islam people sometimes seemed to have the attitude that we should not cry over people who have died because they are in a better place now which is paradise. But i find any many religions crying and mourning seem to be looked down upon. But in order for one to feel true happiness and joy i also feel that one must be able to feel true pain and sorrow and true sadness. if we negate one feeling it makes it hard to be genuine from the heart and feel other feelings to their fullest extent where we can feel truly alive. it may be painful but its a gift to be able to fully grieve and feel all ones emotions fully. When their is pain one must face the pain feel it, grieve it and heal. it makes us human and real. when we share our complete genuine self and can communicate we then have what is true intimacy with friends and family and then we are not alone through our honest communication. We can then find true love acceptance and the sense of unity and true belonging.
So i wanted to be there for Burgu and help walk with her on her painful journey through grief and loss. i had grieved through so much loss through my own life. i could not face allot of my pain and abuse. But i was beginning to and discovering that the way to wholeness was through facing the pain, the past and trauma, and then healing from it and not denying it or hiding from it but trying to walk through the pain no matter how painful. My mind and body had protected me, but i lost allot also. The body and mind can protect us from trauma . its an amazing gift that God gave us to survive through the unbearable. When others grieved in loss it brought up allot of feelings for me within myself that i had not faced. Separation and the feeling that one is completely alone was scary. i worried that Burgu would not be able to express her deepest feelings and pain fully. i worried maybe her family and her were not connected enough in mind and spirit to talk bout what they were truly feeling. i did not want her to be alone in spirit even though she had many people around her. There is a great difference in truly being connected to others rather then just being with them. That connection is what i find many people miss in life and relationships. The connection is the key to wholeness in relationships and not feeling alone, but connected to others. Life is to short to be superficial in our relationships. one thing i did with my children was allways do my best to communicate with them and have them be able to communicate with me.
Burgu be gain to cry again and i tried to comfort her and tell her it was ok for her to cry and not bad for her. She just lost the person she had shared her whole life with. And so quickly his life was taken and he was not there with her. She was ill and by herself, but she did have her family and acquaintances. She told me she felt worried because she kept thinking her husband would walk in the door any moment. i tried to tell here it was ok and that she was grieving and was not losing her mind. it was a shock and tragedy to lose her husband. She must have also felt anger about losing her husband at such a hard time when she was ill. i felt sad i could not talk to her more because i did not know the language well enough. i felt frustrated not being able to communicate the way i had wanted too in that sad time. But she was still very patient and was glad i was there. i did what i could through spirit. Many people kept coming over to visit everyday and the whole story about what happened on that fateful night that Suleyman died was told. People talked about how the doctors operation did not work, and they were surprised because the doctor was an American doctor. Elif looked ill and tired. She often would rest in the other room. The family helped Burgu out mostly. it was late at night and i would leave at around 10 every night and spend most of the day with her. i even felt sad when i left her because i felt her loneliness sadness and fear.
Kismet and destiny.
The people seemed to accept to much blindly i thought. i felt Suleyman could have lived longer with better medical help. That was just my feeling. i thought he should not have been sent home so soon from the hospital after having major surgery. it was not a minor surgery. it was a major surgery. But the women kept saying he's better in paradise. But i think one should be able to live as long as possible to do as much in this world to make it a better place. One should be able to make a good life here and do good things so one can advance to paradise from a higher level of being on this earth. One hadith from the islamic religion by the prophet Mohammed says, First make sure your camel is tied up and then trust in Allah,. i firmly believe in this saying. i firmly believe in a God who has immense love for all people and who does not cause bad things, but that God is with us when bad things happen to us and cries with us in our pain and is happy when we choose love and kindness while walking through our journey in this world.
But the women kept saying it was kismet. The angel of death must have come for Burgu,s husband and it was his time to go. We all prayed throughout the day with our beads. i went to Burgu,s house every day for the next few days. i would stay from late morning until late in the evening. They would invite me to eat with them in the evening. There was no food at home so it was nice eating with them. There was nothing to cook for Absdul so i did not return home until late. We were going through a time when we only ate bread. Absdul would yell at scream at me when i came home asking me why i was staying so long at Burgu,s. He would say you have a husband to cook for. i always was fearful of getting hit. i could not win. it was a double bind with him. the refrigerator was completely empty. Why was he telling me i needed to cook for him. That's what an abusive person does. They create so many double binds. One can never please an abuser and the abuse does not stop. H e would tell me how angry i made him so i needed to be hit. it was always my fault for everything. He took no responsibility for his behavior and actions. But i kept trying to please him hoping things would get better. But it never did. i found myself full of grief and sadness and felt a sense of hopelessness.
Grieving with Burgu.
The next day after Absdul left for work i got ready to to Burgu,s home. When i arrived the family greeted me at the door. Burgu,s daughter gave me a big hug and held my hand telling me, thank you for coming and that she was very grieved to lose her father. i felt so sad for the family and wanted so much to talk to them more in depth, so it was frustrating with my limited turkish. i went to where Burgu was and she was lying on her couch bed praying. i greeted her in the customary turkish way and then sat with her holding her hand and asking how she was. i could feel she was deeply grieving, but she tried not to show it. The other family members seemed the same way. Elif gave me a hug and told me how happy she was that i was there. Elif explained again what happened the night Suley man died and how terrifying it was to watch him die in her house. Everyone kept repeating the story of what happened to him to try to make sense of it all. it seemed to help to talk about it allot in order to process it in feeling, soul and mind. i felt very sad for Elif having to go through all that, and having to see Suley man die in her own home. it must have been very traumatic for her. She looked very tired and in a state of shock. Friends came to visit and the doorbell started to ring allot. i helped with answering the door and inviting people in. The house was full of guests most of the time that day.
in the Turkish culture when someone dies guests come to visit the family for about two days after the death. People are very supportive and support the relatives who are bereaved. i met many of Burgu,s friends and friends of the family. Burgu and Elif kept repeating the story all day to different people. it did seem to be therapeutic to tell the story over and over and to be able to talk about the sadness of what happened to Suleyman. Burgu was not left alone in her grief to suffer in sadness alone. That was a good thing for her and a good thing about Turkish culture. The social nature of the culture can help people through hard times because of the social support within the culture. it has been proven in psychological studies that people can survive hard times much better when they have social support rather then being isolated and alone. it also has a good effect on health to have good social support systems. i was glad that Burgu had many friends she could talk with and get support from through her tragedy.
The family asked me to stay longer with them so i stayed all day and throughout the evening. Fatma had brought allot of food that had been made by her neighbors from the city that she had lived in. So she said they did not need to cook which was good because they were mourning. i helped Burgu walk around and get her exercise. We all could not believe Suleyman was gone and Burgu was in a state of disbelief. Her granddaughters baby was there and the guests enjoyed seeing him. i helped care for him while guests cam so that Nurgun could visit and talk with guests. Burgu was a very verbal person and seemed to enjoy all the company. it helped her allot during her grief it seemed. i felt a fondness for her daughter Fatma. She had always been so welcoming to me. i tried to communicate the best i could at the time in turkish with her. i had a sense that she had been very close to her father and so she was having a very difficult time. She prayed most of the time with her prayer beads sitting and listening to guests.
Loss and pain of grieving
i went home and Absdul was there. He said he knew that Suleyman was going to die. He even had said to me that when Suleyman was ill that he probably would die. i told him to stop talking so negatively. He told me that he was right, and that he knows the future. i just felts so sad for Suleyman. i talked to Absdul for awhile, but he did not seem to have much feeling. He was not emotional about other people. He just told me that when the angel of death comes, there is nothing one can do, and they cant prolong their lives any longer. He told me that it was Suleymans destiny to die at that time. it was such a fatalistic attitude that he had and so harsh. it scared me the way he talked and his views about religion made me feel uncomfortable. He just did not have any sensitivity about people and he expressed more anger and bitterness then any other feeling. He said he did not go to the men's gathering for the Koran recitation, because he could not find the place where it was being held . i thought about Burgu and her family while falling asleep that night. i felt so worried for Burgu and knew she must have been in horrible pain knowing she would not see her husband again in this life. What's so sad is when we don't have the chance to tell people we love goodbye and say all we went to them before they die. His being ill and then dying happened so quickly, within one week. Death can come so unexpected and it can make people feel very vulnerable. its important to know what's truly important in this life and what matters most. The pain of separation and grief is scary and can take one by surprise when it happens like it did to Burgu. Burgu was alone without her husband and ill. i felt sad that she had so much to bear alone. But i knew she was very religious so i felt her strong faith would help her get through the tragedy. i wanted to be there for her as much as possible, in her time of grieving and sadness just to let her know she could cry if she needed to and i would be there for her to listen to her.
Koran recitation for Suleyman.
i walked over to Burgu,s house. The granddaughters were greeting people at the door. i felt so sad for them. They gave me a big hug when i came in and i told them how sad i was about Suleyman,s death. i was afraid to see Burgu, as i could feel her pain and i still could not believe her husband had died. We had all thought that everything was ok and in a way his death came unexpected, as we had thought he had a very good doctor. i felt it was very unfair for her to lose her husband at a time when she was so very ill herself. Sometimes things seem to go wrong all at the wrong time. Loss brings up allot of pain for me too, and so i felt sad for her. i was afraid to look in her face and see the terrible sorrow there. i walked into a room filled with all women in scarves reciting the Koran. There was hardly any room to sit down. i sat down on the floor where other women were sitting and praying with their prayer beads. The teacher was there that had taught about Koran and taught the women about religion. She was leading in reciting the koran. She was called a hoja which means a religious teacher. We had gathered with her for women's religious meetings. Burgu was lying on her couch bed and told me to come sit next to her when i came in. i came to where she was and gave her a hug and told her how sorry i was for her husband. She had such a look of sorrow and shock on her face. i felt her terrible grief and sadness and it was very painful. She sat for awhile holding my hand. Elif was there reading the Koran also. She was very skilled in reciting the Koran and she knew the Koran very well. She seemed like a very intelligent woman to me. She looked very sad too. The women who knew how to recite Koran would take turns saying different important passages from the Koran. The house was filled. The other room was also filled with women praying and listening to the recitation.
i felt Burgu,s pain and it was intense. When people died it brought up allot of feelings for me, and i felt the disassociation happening to me. Time seemed to pass and i found myself, awhile later still in the room with the women. The teacher gave a sermon about death and islam. i understood some of what she was saying, but some parts i could not understood and wished i could understand what her words meant as it was a very important time. Burgu had eye drops for her eyes, as they had become so red from all the tears ,she must have cried from losing her husband. The teacher kept saying how sad it was to lose Suley man but that the afterlife was better then this life, and paradise if we go, would be the most beautiful place where we come home to our God. She reminded us that this life is just a passing phase, an examination for us all, where we are all being tested through hard ships and trials to see if we truly are faith full and love our God. She seemed to say do not fret and worry we will all die, but we must remember that the grave is around the corner for us, and we should not forget death, but live as good Muslims. We need to do good deeds and live an ethical life to be ready to die when our time comes and feel we have lived a good life according the ethics' and laws of God. She told Burgu how sad she was for the loss of Suleyman. Then more verses from the Koran were recited and the women were saying prayers on their prayer beads together. Each person had their own prayer beads. The beads are very comforting to hold on to and pray with in times of need. They bring comfort and solace. Then when the service was over when the night prayer was called, the women all hugged Burgu and hugged one another. A special candy was given out to everyone. This kind of candy was usually given out at all important ceremonies. The hodja then talked with Burgu for awhile asking how Suleyman became ill so quickly and Burgu explained what happened . They talked for awhile, while people be gain to leave. The hodja told her how sad she was, and was surprised that he died but that we never know when our time comes. i asked Burgu what had happened and she told me how Suley man had seemed ok at Elif,s house. The doctor at the hospital in istanbul said he was fine after the surgery and could leave the hospital to return home. He seemed ok at Elif,s house and was resting there. But one night he seemed well and had a snack before going to bed and then feel asleep and he woke up ill and was gasping for breath . His son tried to resuscitate him but he died in their home. i felt so sorry for Burgu as she was telling me what happened. How could the doctors let him leave the hospital after his surgery. it all did not seem right to me and they had trusted the doctor because he was supposedly a good American doctor specializing cardiac medicine. i felt he could have been saved and i felt very sad . He was 65 years old when he died. its a young age to die in this century. i strongly felt that he could have been saved with better medical treatment, although maybe he was so ill he would have died anyway. One never knows for sure.
it was such a sad story. i thought about how i had seen her husband just a few weeks before and he seemed ok .W e never know when we will lose someone, and i felt so sad for Burgu that she could not even say goodbye to her husband. i imagined there would have been so much that she would have wanted to say to him. And now she was in the world alone as a widow and ill herself. She looked as if she had been crying for a long time. i hoped she could get all her pain out, for her loss. i felt afraid within and told Burgu i had to get home , as she wanted me to stay. i wanted to be there longer but felt a deep fear within and sadness. She had all her family with her so i thought she would be ok. i told her i would come the next day to visit. i hugged the family and said goodnight to them.